Helga and Wolfgang
by kimba821
Summary: What happens when Arnold sets Helga up with Wolfgang? It'll end up being more than he ever bargained for.


The whole 4th grade gang I playing baseball at Gerald field. Arnold is stepping up to bat.  
  
Harold: Move in everyone its Arrrrrrnnnnnnooooooold! He couldn't hit the ball if Gerald's wittle sister threw it!  
(Others snicker)  
  
Arnold: Just throw the ball  
  
Harold: Ohhh! Big, bad Arnold is-  
  
Helga: Just throw the ball pink boy!  
  
Harold: Fine fine (mutters) Madame Fortress Mommy  
  
(Ball thrown, Arnold hits it and begins running, the ball hits off of one of the walls and is caught by Wolfgang)  
  
Wolfgang: You're out (chuckles, as do the other 5th graders standing behind him) All of you 4th graders are out! Out of this lot now!  
  
Arnold: You can't kick us out Wolfgang, we were here first  
  
Gerald: (hisses) Arnold!  
  
Wolfgang: Just watch me (he grabs Arnold by the shirt and punches him. All goes black)  
  
(Arnold is beginning to revive, he sees Helga peering at him)  
  
Helga: Arnold? Arnold? Can you hear me?  
  
Gerald: Are you alright man?  
  
Sid: Wolfgang really got you, you went flying when he hit you. You've been unconscious!  
  
Stinky: We nearly called the ambulance!  
  
Helga: Arnold?  
  
Arnold: I'm fine just a little dizzy  
  
Stinky: That's understandable  
  
(Gerald helps Arnold up)  
  
Gerald: Arnold, you've got to stop back talking Wolfgang!  
  
Sid: You're gonna end up in the emergency room!  
  
Arnold: But it's not fair! Wolfgang always takes the field from us. Lately we've hardly had any playing time. We've got to do something!  
  
Helga: Like what? Go up to Wolfgang and say (sweetly) Oh Mr. Wolfgang we don't think its fair that you're always taking the field from us. Why can't we share it and be a big happy family? (Angrily) That footballhead will get us all a one way ticket to the emergency room  
  
Stinky: I hate to admit it, Arnold, but I recokn Helga has a point  
Gerald: We really can't do anything about Wolfgang  
  
Arnold: There has to be something....  
  
Gerald: Face it Arnold what can we do to Wolfgang? He has no weaknesses-  
  
Sid: He has weaknesses  
  
(Everyone stares at him)  
  
Gerald: What weaknesses?  
  
Sid: Well I don't know what they are but everyone does even the toughest people (Helga looks around nervously and swallows hard)  
  
Stinky: Like vulnerable spots?  
  
Sid: Yeah, Wolfgang has a weak spot  
  
Gerald: What kind of vulnerability are we talking about?  
  
Sid: (narrows his eyes and lowers his voice) Who he likes  
  
(Everyone begins to whisper to each other)  
  
Arnold: Wait a second what are we going to do if or when we find out who Wolfgang likes?  
  
Sid: Blackmail him.  
  
Arnold: Sid, we can't blackmail Wolfgang!  
  
Sid: Why not? Its not like he doesn't deserve it for all the mean things he has done to us   
  
(silence)  
  
Arnold: But we shouldn't stoop to Wolfgang's level  
  
Gerald: Then what can we do Arnold?  
  
Arnold: I don't know  
  
  
(It's later in the day. Wolfgang is walking and so is Helga, they run into each other at the corner.)  
  
Helga: Watch where you're going you idiot-you- (she stutters recognizing that it's not Arnold but Wolfgang)  
  
(Wolfgang is taken aback by Helga's bold remark. He looks into her eyes. He seems to change as he sees Helga differently. There is an awkward silence)  
  
Wolfgang: (speechless) Well...I...uh  
  
Helga: (nervously) Well, Wolfgang, I uh gotta be going now (Helga darts away)  
  
Wolfgang: Hey, wait! I wanted to tell you (Helga doesn't hear him. He looks at Helga's retreating figure) I've never noticed her before not until now! Wait what am I saying? She's a 4th grader! I should have nothing to do with her. I don't care about any of those lame 4th graders, (he pauses) but she's different.  
  
It's the next day at school during recess Arnold, Gerald, Sid and Stinky are talking.  
  
Gerald: So, Arnold, have you gotten any ideas about what to do with Wolfgang?  
  
Arnold: Not yet (Looks across the playground and sees Wolfgang looking very unhappy) That's odd  
  
Stinky: What's odd, Arnold?  
  
Arnold: Look at Wolfgang just sitting there! Doesn't that seem odd? Maybe something is bothering him, he could be having some difficulties, he-  
  
Sid: (yanking on Arnold's sleeve and very excited) Or he could be in love with someone!!! (Sid points and everyone turns to see that Wolfgang is gazing dreamily at Helga.  
  
Gerald: Helga G. Pataki?!  
  
Arnold: I don't know, Sid. I mean I remember when Wolfgang and Ludwig gave Helga a black eye.  
  
Sid: But look at the way he's staring at her. He wouldn't be looking at her like that unless (raises his eyebrows and grins) he had a crush on her.  
  
It's later in the day and the four boys walk up to Helga.  
  
Helga: What do you four imbeciles want?  
  
Arnold: We want you to talk to Wolfgang  
  
Helga: What?!  
  
Arnold: Have you seen how miserable he looks? He is so down and I think you could cheer him up  
  
Helga: Crimity! What the heck are you getting at football head?  
  
Arnold: We think he has a crush on you  
  
(Helga bursts out laughing)  
  
Helga: Sure, good one, Arnoldo  
  
Arnold: We're serious!  
  
Gerald: Dead serious  
  
Helga: (becoming serious too) So you want me to talk to Wolfgang and try to make him feel better?  
  
Sid: Yeah  
  
Helga: No way! (gets up and starts walking away) I'm not doing it! I'm not risking my neck (Arnold follows her)  
  
Arnold: Please, Helga, haven't you ever liked someone so much it makes you completely miserable?  
  
(Helga stops abruptly)  
  
Helga: I...I...can't relate footballhead  
  
Arnold: (sighs) Please, Helga, if you won't do it for Wolfgang would you do it for me and-  
  
Helga: (raises her eyebrow) Well...I...uh...fine..I'll do it football head but not for you (turns around to face Arnold)  
  
Arnold: (surprised) That's great Helga, thanks-  
  
Helga: But if you're wrong and Wolfgang tries to pound me you're the one who is going to need intensive care. (Helga scowled clenching her fists)  
  
Arnold: Don't worry I won't be wrong. (returns to his seat with his friends) Well I did it, Helga is going to talk to Wolfgang  
  
Stinky: How'd you get Helga to do it?  
  
Arnold: (looks at Helga who is making her way over to Wolfgang) I'm not quite sure.....  
  
Helga is making her way over to Wolfgang very nervously. Wolfgang sees her and becomes nervous too. Wolfgang is sitting at a table by himself.  
  
Helga: (motions to the chair next to Wolfgang) Can I sit here?  
  
Wolfgang: (stuttering) uh...sure..uh  
  
Helga: (thinking) I can't believe I'm actually doing this (outloud) I don't know if you know my name or not but I'm-  
  
Wolfgang: (dreamily) Helga G. Pataki  
  
Helga: (thinking) What a nutcase! (outloud slipping into bully mode) So, you've heard of me  
  
Wolfgang nods and Helga is surprised at his reaction to her tough voice. He only seems to like her more. Helga can clearly see that Arnold was right, Wolfgang did like her.  
  
Wolfgang: (nervously) So, I was wondering....if maybe....you'd like to....If you wanted to....go to ...a ...movie...this afternoon  
  
Helga is shocked that Wolfgang is asking her out. She thinks about backing down but remembers she was supposed to be doing Arnold a favor by cheering Wolfgang up. She also realizes how angry Wolfgang might be if she turned him down. He's twice the size of her.  
  
Helga: (with hesitation) Well...okay, I guess  
  
Wolfgang: (thrilled) I'll meet you in front of the theater at 3:45  
  
Helga is backing away  
  
Helga: heh heh, okay see ya then  
  
  
Sid, Stinky, Arnold, and Gerald have been watching from the other table.  
  
Gerald: I don't get it Arnold! How is setting Helga up with Wolfgang going to help us?  
  
Sid: Yeah, Arnold, how's going to help us?  
  
Arnold: Well it'll put Wolfgang in a better mood  
  
Sid: So, Wolfgang is in a good mood. Come on, Arnold! We probably sill won't be able to reason with him this afternoon. I knew we should have blackmailed him.  
  
Arnold: (snapping his fingers) That's it  
  
Sid: But we can't blackmail him now-  
  
Arnold: No, you guys think about it  
  
Stinky: Think about what, Arnold?  
  
Arnold: Wolfgang is going to spend the entire afternoon with Helga at the movies.  
  
Sid: So?  
  
Arnold: (excited) Which means......  
  
Gerald: (very excited) We'll have Gerald field all to ourselves because Wolfgang won't be able to kick us out!  
  
Arnold: Exactly!  
  
  
Its 3:45 and Wolfgang is waiting outside the theater when Helga arrives.  
  
Wolfgang: Uh....you look nice Helga  
  
Helga: (thinks) this is what I always look like you moron (speaks) Uh...thanks..Wolfgang...I guess...let's go buy tickets  
  
Helga is about to give her money to the ticket man when Wolfgang stops her  
  
Wolfgang: I already got the tickets (waving two around)  
  
Helga: Look, Wolfgang, you don't need to buy me my ticket, I don't want you to-  
  
Wolfgang: (ignoring her) Lets go in quick before some losers take the good seats (grabs Helga's arm and drags her into the theater  
  
Helga: (thins) What have I gotten myself into?  
  
Not much happens. Wolfgang stares at Helga the entire time while she eats popcorn. The movie soon ends.  
  
Helga; (Gets up to leave) Uh..thanks for taking me to see a movie  
  
Wolfgang: (eagerly) How bout we do something tomorrow?  
  
Helga: (thinks) How about we not? (outloud nervously) Uh sure Wolfgang. Well look at the time I gotta go! I'll see ya at school  
  
Wolfgang: We can make plans there  
  
Helga rushes off quickly  
Helga: Yeah sure (to herself) Well at least I escaped before he walked me home. This is just great now I'm Mozart's girlfriend! Ugh!  
  
  
It's the next day at school during recess. Sid, Arnold, Gerald, and Stinky are talking.  
  
Gerald: Man, Arnold I can't remember the last time we finished a baseball game  
  
Stinky: It was really fun yesterday on account of Wolfgang didn't kick us all out of the field.  
  
Sid: (nervously) Um, you guys (tugging on Arnold sleeve)  
  
Arnold: Yeah Sid?  
  
Sid: I don't believe what I'm seeing (he points to the other side of the playground. There is Wolfgang and Helga who are holding hands. Wolfgang is talking to Helga who is giving a really fake smile and who is scowling at Wolfgang every time he turns his head.  
  
Gerald: Man, Arnold what have you done?  
  
Arnold: I don't know, I guess I thought they were going to go on one day. I thought Wolfgang would realize he didn't like Helga and get over it but I guess I was-  
  
Sid: This is so perfect! Boy howdy Wolfgang is probably going on more dates with Helga.  
  
Gerald: So we'll still have Gerald field.  
  
Arnold looks at Helga and Wolfgang together and blinks his eyes.  
  
Arnold: I didn't think they would hit it off  
  
Stinky: Well I reckon its not all too surprising on account of they're both bullies  
  
Sid: heh heh yeah maybe they're meant for each other  
  
Arnold: (glances at the couple) maybe  
  
  
A few days pass by and Helga is still going out with Wolfgang. She doesn't like him at all except for the fact that she's the queen of the 5th grade. She is afraid to dump him because she doesn't want him mad at her, he could pound her. She also feels like she's doing Arnold a favor by making Wolfgang feel better.  
She doesn't know what everyone including Arnold has been doing while she has been dating Wolfgang. Helga is walking up the street when she sees the gang at Geraldfield talking.  
  
Gerald: Man this is great Arnold! Its been a whole week and Wolfgang hasn't interrupted one game!  
  
Sid: I know, Arnold this is fantastic!  
  
Stinky: Yeah, Arnold it was a right smart idea setting Wolfgang up with Helga so now we get the field all to ourselves.  
  
Realization has hit Helga. She growls and clenches her fists. Arnold steps up to bat but as he does Helga bursts out from behind him and shoves him into the ground.  
  
Arnold: Hey?! (he turns to lie face up and begins to get up, but Helga pins him down.  
  
Helga: Footballhead I can't believe you! (she sounds furious and all the kids gather around them)  
  
Arnold: Huh? What are you talking about Helga?  
  
Helga: Oh, don't play dumb with me Arnoldo! You know exactly what you did you maroon! You set me up with Mozart! I went along with your stupid footballheaded scheme. For once I was going to try and do the right thing by helping you and your goody good ways out by being nice to Wolfgang. I was doing you a favor! But being the idiot that you are you turned on me! You've been using me the whole time! All you wanted was to get me to keep Wolfgang preoccupied so he wouldn't interrupt your game. I can't believe how selfish you could be! Now I'm stuck with Mozart and I can't get rid of him while you and everyone else have a dandy time playing ball  
  
Helga who had been holding onto Arnold's shirt lets go, letting him fall to the ground. The crowd makes a path so the scowling Helga can leave. Helga begins to walk away.  
  
Arnold: (weakly) Wait, Helga where are you going?  
  
Helga: (angrily mutters as she looks back over her shoulder) I've got a date with Mozart (she walks away  
  
Gerald helps Arnold up  
  
Gerald: Man I've never seen Helga this worked up  
  
Arnold: Oh, Gerald! Its all my fault!  
  
Gerald: Don't be so hard on yourself  
  
Arnold: But Helga was right! She did me a favor when I asked her to talk to Wolfgang. She trusted my intentions and me.  
  
Stinky: But you didn't mean to start this relationship between them Arnold, it just sorta cam about on its own  
  
Arnold: But I did start it!  
  
Gerald: Man, Arnold its not just your fault its mine, Stinky's and Sid's fault.  
  
Arnold: (sighs) I guess. We'll since we started it we have a duty to fix it.  
  
Sid: Boy howdy Arnold what are you thinking  
  
Stinky: How hard did Helga shove you? I recokn hard enough to make ya crazy?   
  
Arnold Looks confused  
  
Sid: Why would we want to break up Helga and Wolfgang? As long as Helga has Wolfgang worshipping her and taking her everywhere we've got this field. (Sid extends his hand to the lot) You don't want to give it up do you?  
  
Arnold: But Sid, Stinky, Helga seems to really hate being Wolfgang's girlfriend-  
  
Sid: Helga should be on her knees thanking us  
  
Gerald: For what?  
  
Sid: For setting her up. I mean now all the 5th graders won't even dare mess with her. She has Wolfgang wrapped around her finger. Plus they're so similar they're probably meant for each other! We were just helping destiny along-  
  
Arnold: So, I guess its beside the point that we used Helga to get access to Geraldfield.  
  
Stinky: Why, Arnold, when you put it like that it sounds like we did a really horrible thing!  
  
Arnold: That's because we did do a really horrible thing to Helga.  
  
Sid: But we didn't mean to-  
  
Arnold: Indirectly we did  
  
Gerald: (sighs) So, now what are we going to do?  
  
Arnold: As I said before try to fix things.  
  
Helga is storming off to the park where she is meeting Wolfgang. She is still furious.  
  
Helga: (clenching her fists) I still can't believe what that footballhead did! Now what am I going to do? I have to get back at that yellow haired shrimp and lose Wolfgang!   
  
(as she approaches Wolfgang a plan formulates. A large grin spreads across her face as she rubs her hands together.)  
  
Helga: If he wants Wolfgang and me together so bad, that's what he's going to get (chuckling laughter)  
  
Wolfgang: Hey, Helga, what's so funny?  
  
Helga: Oh...uh.....nothing.......but (sweetly) I was wondering if.....maybe tomorrow we could do something different.  
  
Wolfgang: Like what?  
  
Helga: Well lets not go to the movies or the park or any of that mushy stuff (Wolfgang's eyes widen) Lets play baseball at Ger- I mean the vacant lot (nervously) I hope you're not mad see I mean I really don't enjoy typical date stuff (thinks) Well at least not with you  
  
Wolfgang: Well to tell you the truth Helga I was kinda getting bore with this stuff too, I 'd much rather play a game of baseball at the vacant lot  
  
Helga; you would?  
  
Wolfgang: Yeah, I'll get Emend and a bunch of other 5th graders to play with us if (leans close to Helga) if you're not scared of the big bad 5th graders  
  
Helga: (folds her arms) Me? Scared? Sorry, Wolfgang I don't do scared.  
  
Wolfgang: Whatever.  
  
(They look at each other and smile)  
  
  
Next day at school Arnold spots Helga in the halls.  
  
Arnold: Hey Helga! I need to talk to you  
  
Helga: (whirls around) Buzz off footballhead  
  
Arnold: Wait, Helga, you have to listen to me  
  
Helga: No I don't Arnoldo (Stinky, Sid, and Gerald, stop to listen to the conversation) And all of you (glances at the four boys) better stay out of my way or else-  
  
Arnold: Let me guess (folds his arms) Or else you'll pound us?  
  
Helga: (sweetly) Now, Arnold you know I'd never do that  
  
Gerald: Huh?  
  
Arnold: you wouldn't?  
  
Helga: Of course not! I'll get Wolfgang to pound you guys for me (walks away laughing)  
  
Sid: Man we're in big trouble  
  
Gerald: I know Sid  
  
Sid: Wolfgang could kill us all! Rip our throats out and -  
  
Arnold: Sid you're not helping! Anyway we need to figure out how to get Helga to forgive us. First we need to break them up since Helga seems to really hate being Wolfgang's girlfriend.  
  
Gerald: I don't know man, Helga really seems to be enjoying it right now (points to where Helga was walking beside Wolfgang and Wolfgang was shoving kids out of their way)  
  
Sid: See, I was right, we did do Helga a favor by setting her up with Wolfgang even though we did it for our own selfish intentions everything is working out  
  
Gerald: I guess you're right  
  
Arnold: (glances at the couple) I don't know you guys. I don't know if everything is working out.....  
  
  
Its after school and the 4th graders are playing at Geraldfield when Helga arrives carrying her catcher's mitt and mask.  
  
Arnold: Hey, Helga, want to play baseball with us?  
  
Helga: No, footballhead  
  
Gerald: Then why are you here?  
  
Helga: I'm giving you guys a warning to get off this lot  
  
Arnold: why?  
  
Helga: (crosses her arms and gives an evil grin0 Cause I say so  
  
Harold: (snickering) You and what army?  
  
Helga: This army! (motions to a band of 5th graders behind her that are lead by Wolfgang)  
  
Wolfgang: Okay 4th graders off this lot now!  
  
The 4th graders move off and Arnold walks by Helga.  
  
Arnold: Helga, you're a traitor to the whole 4th grade  
  
Helga: (grabs his shirt) Look Footballhead you wanted Wolfgang and me together so here we are! Its about time you got a taste of your own medicine (pushes past him as she heads to homeplate)  
  
Arnold walks to where the rest of the gang is standing  
  
Stinky: This really bites  
  
Sid: I can't believe that Helga, I mean who does she think she is, the Queen of PS 118?  
  
Gerald: Technically, Sid, with Wolfgang on her side she is  
  
Sid: She's just using Wolfgang to get back at us-  
  
Arnold: (folds his arms) I thought you said everything was working out!  
  
Sid: Well if Helga hadn't-  
  
Arnold: Come on, Sid, admit it, this isn't working out. And you can't say we didn't deserve being kicked out after what we did to Helga. (glances at Helga playing catcher. She notices him and scowls back at him  
  
Gerald: So what do we do now?  
  
Arnold: (still watching Helga) I'm not sure  
  
Gerald: Come on, Arnold, let's go  
  
  
Helga is at her locker the next day when a group of 5th grade girls spot her  
  
Girl 1: Is that her?  
  
Girl 2: I thinks so....  
  
Girl 3: That's who all the boys won't shut up about! I can't believe-  
  
Girl 1: Shutup (They walk up to Helga) Hello, uh Helga, isn't it?  
  
Helga; Who wants to know?  
  
Girl 3: We do you little br- (Girl 1 elbows her in the stomach)  
  
Girl 1: we want to know how you got all the 5th grade boys talking about you and hanging out with you like you're some sort of queen  
  
Helga: Well, I don't know (evil grin)  
  
Girl 2: Please Helga (all the girls look at her earnestly)  
  
Helga: Well you have to do exactly what I say  
  
All: We will!  
  
Helga begins to lead them away as she talks  
  
Helga: First you need to stop acting like conceited snobs. All the 5th grade boy are sick and tired of doing all the junk you gals like to do. Soooooo, this afternoon all o you are going to come and play a baseball game with us!  
  
Girl 3: What?!  
  
Helga: Come on you wimps. Crimitey its not the end of the world!  
  
(She continues to talk as she leads them away. Meanwhile a bewildered Arnold and Gerald come out an exchanged confused glances)  
  
  
The 5th grade boys are ready to start the game when Helga leads the group of girls up.  
  
Wolfgang: Hey Helga! What's going on?  
  
Helga: I just brought a few friends to play ball with us  
  
Wolfgang: What?!  
  
Helga: Come on, it'll be fun  
  
Wolfgang: Whatever  
  
At first the boys aren't thrilled by Helga's idea. But the game continues and everyone is having a lot of fun both guys and girls. Soon the game ends and everyone is laughing  
  
Edmund: Hey, lets go to the ice cream parlor  
  
All: Yeah!  
  
Wolfgang: Come on, Helga! What are you waiting for?  
  
Helga: I don't think I should go  
  
Wolfgang: huh?  
  
Helga: I don't feel like I belong  
  
Wolfgang: Oh  
  
Helga: Wolfgang, I'm not a 5th grader no matter how much you want me to be one and well (looks nervous)  
  
Wolfgang: You think we should agree to see other people  
  
Helga nods  
  
A 5th grade girl: Come on Wolfgang!  
  
Wolfgang: Hold on a sec! (turns to Helga) I guess I can understand that we're not meant to be  
  
  
Helga: (relieved) Thanks Wolfgang, you're the greatest  
  
Wolfgang: (begins to walk away but turns to yell to Helga) You're pretty cool for a 4th grader  
  
Helga: (folds her arms) And you're pretty cool (she pauses) for a 5th grader  
  
Wolfgang smiles and turns to join his friends. Then some people who've been hiding in the alley come out. Arnold places his hand on Helga's shoulder  
  
Arnold: Look, Helga, I'm really sorry what I did to you and I didn't mean to use you but I know there is no excuse for what I did  
  
Gerald: But its not just Arnold's fault, its all of ours  
  
Sid and Stinky nod  
  
Arnold: So will you forgive us? (Helga looks at them thinking deeply)  
  
Helga: (sighs) Okay you chuckleheads I forgive you (cheering) if....(cheering stops) you come play some baseball  
  
All: Yeah alright!!! (They begin to play and are having a great time........)  
  
Arnold: I guess things are finally back to normal. You and Wolfgang are no longer a couple  
  
Helga: Yeah it was fun while it lasted  
  
Arnold: Are you going to miss him?  
  
Helga: Yeah for the wrong reasons though.  
  
Arnold: So I guess he's completely over you  
  
Helga: I guess ( a ball is hit into the street) I'll get it!  
  
(While Helga is gone Wolfgang returns to the vacant lot)  
  
Wolfgang: Okay all of you 4th graders get out  
  
Arnold: Hey that's not fair!! (Wolfgang picks up Arnold by the shirt. His feet are dangling in the air when suddenly Helga returns)  
  
Helga: Hey what's going- (she stops when she sees Wolfgang. Wolfgang looks up and stares at Helga. After an awkward silence he drops Arnold)  
  
Wolfgang: Lets get out of here  
  
Edmund: But Wolfgang  
  
Wolfgang: (yells) I said let's go! (they leave. Arnold picks himself off the ground and walks to where Helga is standing)  
  
Helga: I guess he's not completely over me (walks to homeplate)  
Gerald walks over to Arnold. The two watch Wolfgang leave. Wolfgang turns to gaze at Helga  
  
Gerald: I still don't understand why he fell for her  
  
Arnold: Maybe he saw something in her that we can't see.....something that even she isn't aware of   
  
Helga: (yells) Come on you chuckleheads!! I want to play some baseball now!!  
  
Gerald: Sure, Arnold, whatever you say  
  
(They return to the game. As the screen fades a song plays. Its 'Hard to Say' by Blues Traveller. The credits roll as the song plays.)  
  
The End  
  



End file.
